SINNER

A sinner's head bow:
when the chin, digging into the sternum
is too heavy to be lifted-
nor does it attempt to be raised.
It is pointing, focusing on thou self
eyes dropped so low
I can only see my tears
ashamed to face my fears-
reflecting sins

I. am. A sinner.
Weaker than a broken branch,
Dark like the deepest corner in the sea...
Guilty
I am guilty.

The antidote of "forgive me"
is marinating in my mind,
Camps on the tip of my tongue
It is held hostage, behind my teeth--
It is held hostage, by me

Throbbing in my temples,
searching a way out,
Fails
To escape my grip,
But it grows within me
Every minute, with every breath I take


Every version of reason and excuse
Is gently melted by it...
And deep inside,
The story of my righteousness,
an unsuccessful rough draft,
Abandoned.

I begin to search-
Find the sword within me,
Rid myself from guilt,
and be freed
From the chains that bind me!

..I search through my mind
my conscience, my pride,
I. Find. Nothing.
I go into my heart
where letters I find:
Scattered, Beaten, and Forgotten.

Unable to shield myself from the world,
I play word scrabble with myself-
Only to find....the Truth that sets me free:
"For God so loved the world...He gave His
One and Only Son..." for me.

Urgent Prayer Request!

Everyone reading this right now please take a moment to pray for this need:

A friend of mine has a brother who is a non-christian, he is going through serious problems right now in his life. He also has a family of his own and they are all in need of prayer. We know that GOD is able to turn their hearts to HIM, and lead them out of whatever situation they are in now. They need Jesus. PLEASE PRAY!!!

God Answers Prayers.

Thank you.

TRUST

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

—Psalm 37:3-6

It's amazing, looking back at my life, I see how God's hand has led me, He has prepared the circumstances for me before I even realized that is what I needed. As I reflect on my past...the feelings I get are so overwhelming...and the song "Who Am I" accompanies my memories, humbling me to a grain of sand.

Towards the end of nursing school, all students had the opportunity to combine the last two semesters (5 &6th) and finish early, as was my plan also. after 4th semester, we had the summer chunk of free time before the rigorous semester ahead. As many of you know, classes and info is often online: "Blackboard" was used at CSUS.

One happy summer day, after sleeping what felt like 50 hours (compared to the 4-5hours on average)...I woke up and routinely checked my Blackboard, even though we were on vacation! I probably did it cuz I was zombified from school. Anyway, seriously though, I know God did that. There I, along with our whole class, gets letter about an open space for one of our students to join the accelerated class and finish by the end of the summer. One limitation though: you dont get to choose where you want to do your rotation that last semester. The Placement was going to be at Shriner's, A kid's Hospital caring for Burns, Spinal Cord Injuries and Orthopedics. whoever was interested needed to reply, not work anywhere else, and be done with required courses and able to start in 2 days.

so I replied.

on my way to work that day (I interned at Kaiser ICU) I was talking to God. I felt soooooo confident that I was going to get picked (they drew from a hat to be fair)...that it almost scared me. you know the saying goes "prepare for worst and hope for best" or s/t like that. At work I already told my managers I will be finishing even earlier and might need to cut down on hours. On the way back from work I thought to myself "all this confidence can't possibly be from just hoping. I KNOW God wants me to fill in that spot". Well, I come home, check my email, and guess what. NOT PICKED!!!

nope I didnt cry...I felt like well, then that's what God wanted. I stayed up late, relaxed...2am I fall asleep. 5am my phone wakes me up. The instructor calls me and says: The person who was selected cannot begin right away, so we drew names again and you are picked. are you still interested? first I said "huh?" then I cleared my croaking throat and said "YESS!" hahahah. yupp, God has some humor too ;)

So, fast forward to after passing my boards: Everyone tells me "have you applied? where? how are you gonna do it? You haven't applied yet?! it's hard to get a job right now! what are you waiting for??" on and on. Aside from the fact that I'm not married and no kids who need dineros asap...I generally didnt worry much about getting a job. I knew I would-eventually.

But then! I applied online to like 9 positions! and almost immediately got a reply saying: "we are sorry...blah blah blah" did I panic you ask? OF COURSE I PANICKED! I wanted to be an ICU nurse...and at that point with the economy (lets blame it for everything =) , I felt lucky to get a job washing pt's assets for 12 hours a day.

It was wednesday, the third day of my application galore, and I saw the opening at UCD Med Center, Burn ICU. I have already applied to the Cardiology Unit and Med Surge ICU...as I was applying for the Burn Unit position, the darn website didnt attach my letter of rec, and didnt want to get my cover letter. A lil frustrated, I decided I'll wait to see what happens.

The following week, the status of my application said "interviews" which means the manager has picked his people to interview. I didnt get called! =( but God gave me this urge to turn in my other papers that didn't attach. I get dressed and call Human Resources on my way to the Hospital...well they said "uhhh, No, we don't accept any paperwork at all, everything is done online". But I was already at the hospital. so I kinda looked up at the sky and went "well, why the urge then??????" I park my car, and walk up to the burn unit....knees shaking. thinking "what am i gonna say? what if the manager isn't here, what if he already hired someone?". As I'm waiting...a man, with a big smile stands next to me and asks "who are you here for?" and I answer "oh, just for the Nurse Manager". to which he replies "That's me, come follow me!"

He tells me he did his interviews that day and was thinking he would go home early! I told him my paper situation, he asks IF I HAVE BURN EXPERIENCE, and i say yuppppp, he leaves to make a phone call, comes back and says "your resume was probably lost among others, do you mind if I interview you now?" in my head:
" "OMYGOOODNESSGRACIOUS AM I REALLY HEARING THIS????????" I embrace myself, nervously smile like heck and answer "sure, that would be great".

driving home I was talking to God, "God, I dunno if I do get the position or not, but what I saw today, and what you do in my life is so amazing, and I thank you for that."

I love my new Job!!

then, weeks into working, I find out that my manager was just as surprised at how he hired me as I was, and he mentioned he was talking to God tooo asking Him if this was the right decision!! I had a mask on when he was telling me this but my Jaw was so open I think you could fit the whole wide world into it!

that is my story. God is amazing...He has provision like no other. He has prepared the path for you. what have you to lose? He wants you to trust Him everything. And who would know better what you need than the One who Created you?

Be blessed. and thank you for hearing this out =) I hope it leaves you with a smile, at least.

Born For More

Ever wonder in your life if you were trully born for more? Besides the earnest effort of trying your best to stay afloat in this busy world, haven't you once thought God put you in this world and He had a plan, perhaps... for you to do more? More than sleep, eat, take care of your family, work, and repeat the cycle again.
Last year, the Lord opened my eyes and showed me that there is trully more that I am capable of doing to glorify His name and all I did was to pray if it was HIS will for me to go beyond my comfort zone. I WAS born for more!!!
This week I was blessed by a good friend of mine (Sveta B. this blog is all because of your awesome book you gave me!!!Thank you!!) who gave me a book by the name of "The Prayer of Jabez for Women" by Darlene Wilkinson. I sat reading the entire book almost till 4 o'clock in the morning because this was a book like no other. This book is based on the prayer of Jabez from the old testament (I posted the prayer in the little purple window next to this post... hint hint). There is not a whole lot of information about this man but a few sentences of his prayer was all that was needed in the bible to draw a picture of an honorable man who earnestly asked God what none of us ever think to ask. This is how I applied this man's prayer to my spiritual life.
1.)Oh that you would bless me...
A man once asked Napoleon for an incredible favor. The man knew that he deserved nothing from this great general, yet Napoleon immediately granted his request. When someone inquired as to the reason, Napoleon replied, "He honored me by the magnitude of his request."
God is also honored when you and I come boldly to ask for his blessing and favor. That's because we ask according to His greatness and not according to our worthiness. (Wilkinson 32, 33)
2.) ... that you would enlarge my territory.
When we plead with God to expand our borders, we're asking Him to remove the limits on what we can do and who we can become. We're begging Him to throw wide open the doors of opportunity and enlarge our place in this world. (Wilkinson 37)
"Let me do more for You. Expand my territory so that I can have a greater impact for You," is what we should be saying to God. (Wilkinson 38)
Part of God's plan for expanding your territory could include your raising children who will someday accomplish great things for God's kingdom. (Wilkinson 40)
The Proverbs 31 woman expanded her territory through a variety of avenues. We're told, "She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard" (v. 16,NASB) And, "She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy" (v. 20 NASB) (Wilkinson 42)
You eagerly say yes to an exciting border-expanding opportunity-only to realize that you've gotten yourself in way over your head... As you are about to discover, the wonderful truth is that you're right where God wants you! (Wilkinson 50)
3.)...that Your hand would be with me...
Ask for God's hand to be on you! He can bring you favor with others and give you wisdom to know how to pray and what to say. (Wilkinson 57)
God isn't scanning the horizon looking for superwomen. He is actively looking for those who will believe and trust Him to do what is humanly impossible...just like Esther. (old testament book of Esther) (Wilkinson 61)
4.)Oh, that You would keep me from evil...
You see, those who are content to do a few things for God don't bother Satan. Those who remain in their comfort zone pose little or no threat to him. But when you begin to take terrritory for God, guess whose territory you're invading? (Wilkinson 66) "your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour" (1 Peter 5:8)
"pray that you may not enter into tempation" (Luke 22:40)
"Therefor submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7)
5.)...that I might not cause pain.
Jabez had a reason quiet apart from his honorable character for asking God to keep him from evil. He included it right in his prayer-"that I may not cause pain."
All of us know from experience that the consequences of sin always include pain. When I sin, I hurt myself, others, and God. (Wilkinson 78)
So God granted him what he requested.
Let me encourage you to pray this prayer. Unselfishly let God expand your territory and bless you!! Let all glory be to Him!! I prayed this prayer, and God granted me my request. Why won't you?

Sometimes, we need to be Reminded

Although what I am about to talk about isn't some new theological/philosophical whatever you wannacallit...it was a wonderful reminder nonetheless.

Someone I am close to shared a quote that made them stop in their tracks:

"prayer without deed is begging and deed without prayer is slavery."

so If I am praying really hard on an important topic for me, for example: Finding a job, School/Career, Emotional life/spiritual/Love...but am not ACTING...searching online/applying to school, getting involved in church..etc, then I am as good as a beggar. Quite honestly, I do get softened up on the streets of Arden..and occasionally, I have given a few bucks on a super long red light... to the beggars. However, I always imagined that people who really do want help, will work for it, they will be driven by the constant yearning feeling to get out of the uncomfortable situation they are in. but, that's another topic. Frankly, I think of those beggars as lazy, most of them. I don't ever want God to see me begging without already trying everything in my own power to change "xyz" in my life. hmm something else comes to mind: it's almost like whining! whining or the state of being unhappy/unsatisfied/even depressed is like sitting and rocking yourself in a rocking chair--it keeps you busy but doesn't get you Anywhere! (I don't remember where I heard that.)

On the other hand, If I am already involved somehow in church...or if I am doing something that I feel is good/important/requiring responsibility...something that I am sure God would acknowlegde or approve of...but am NOT PRAYING about it, it will soon become a burden!! Believe it or not, the feelings of satisfaction or simply being happy about what you do will dissolve if they are not seasoned by and accompanied with Prayer. When God is included in the CENTER of our deeds, it is only then that I will feel privilged, motivated, humbled and proud to continue "xyz" in my life with passion- rather than feeling like it is yet another task to complete.

I hope this leaves you thinking about How you Pray, and what areas in YOUR life need to be seasoned by Prayer.

God Bless You.